how to be the worst best parent.

It's five months into it and I would consider Josh and I to be doing a pretty bang up job rearing the little sprout so far. Do I think we should be perfect parents....no. Perfect is boring. Perfect yields little learning opportunities.  Plus has anyone ever known me to be an over achiever? Absolutely not. My high school "C" average was O.K. by me. 

For those of you who are striving for absolute perfection, I have devised a few hints, tips and tricks on being less than perfect, so that you may be the best you can be. Make sense? No? Does it have to?

• Fussy baby? tried everything you can but still he/she will not stop crying? Gently bounce them on your knee. Notice how their voice changes pitch or tone when you bounce? Get a good rhythm going and try to re-create your favorite catchy tune. A favorite of mine? The Super Mario Bros. theme song.  Why not? you've tried everything. Might as well enjoy yourself instead of diving off into the crazy pool.

• Try mocking your young child in a loving and sarcastic manner when they fail at trying a new skill. It will take all of the pressure off of them because they will focus on how funny and witty you are instead.

• Be O.K. with not having perfect instincts. I once used Parker as a human shield. So what if my first reaction when I hear "HEADS!" at a softball game is to cover my head with my infant son. As long as the end result is a safe and happy kid, don't beat yourself up about it. I guess he will have to learn what that means someday anyhow.

• Don't worry if your child isn't as advanced as someone else's kid. Your kid may enjoy licking his hand rather than recite the alphabet, but he will be much much more fun at parties when he is older. take that, "smart" kids.

• Forget trying to top all of the other parents with all of the latest trends in baby gear. You don't need a fancy car seat when you have rope and a U-Haul box. Duct tape it to a skateboard and you have one of those "travel systems" that includes a stroller. Don't have a baby bjorn? Cut air holes in a back pack and wear it on the front. Spend your money elsewhere.

• Take your infant to the movies and fancy restaurants, especially when they are over tired and really cranky. Talk about their poopy diapers loudly so others can hear. It's OK. Everyone loves babies. And poop.

I hope some of these have helped you. If you are taking this list seriously and you have become offended and extremely concerned, you lack the basic social skill of recognizing humor and you have hopefully chosen not to reproduce.